by Laura Lee
Since my father’s passing, I knew I would go to the to see him. I just did not know when. I’m glad I was gentle with myself, never trying, and certainly a little apprehensive. These things happen when you are ready, and not before. This happened all on its own, to my utter surprise and resolution.
From my Journal:
June 17th, 2013
Sami Lower World. Paul rattling,
in Kiva at Cuyamunque Institute
“I was falling down a long narrow tunnel, feet first. My dress went up and over my head, then blew off. My skin followed, up and away, shed like the garment. Everything stripped from me but my bones, and I reduced to a skeleton as I landed with a jolt at the bottom of the tunnel. I wanted to go up to the sky but I was told no, I must down down to the next level. Down I went. My bones flew off as my garments and skin had done, and I was a spirit, a column of bluish white, a light being. I was told I could go anywhere. I said I wanted to see my Dad, Lester, who passed away several months ago. I found him in a cage. He was sitting with his head down, not moving. I was told he was despondent, missing his life where he had been content and his world was ordered and made sense. I unlocked the cage and he just sat there still, not looking up or seeing me. He was wearing an old, dark, tattered overcoat, which I was told was his regrets and sadness. I helped him out of the coat, and dropped it into the furnace beneath the floor grate. I could see the red coals glowing beneath us, and was told this was where regrets were burned up and dissolved. I helped him out of another dark heavy layer and dropped that too into the furnace. More and more layers, until we had stripped away them all, and he too was a light being. He became animated, relieved to be free, to be who he truly is. He told me he was happy that I was doing this work. I said that I wish I had gotten to spent more time with him, on a soul level, able to talk to him about what Paul and I were doing, and that that regret was the one thing I wanted him to know now: I wish we had had more open lines of communication. I felt the heaviness of this familiar sadness. I saw that now I was wearing dark heavy layers of regret. He helped me shrug out of these layers, as I had done for him. As he dropped them into the furnace, one by one, I was restored to peace.”
This experience was for me a gift and a healing that reverberates with me daily. I would like to say that is also a healing for my father’s soul, but I can only say, with certainty, that it was for mine. Some heavy measure of my grief has been resolved, and I have finally won that missing piece of our relationship that I always wanted with him, of his understanding and acceptance in all of who I am. How all of this could happen in the space of a half-hour’s session of the imaginable, speaks to the power of this work. I can only revel in the mysteries of this Universe that we are beings of complexity within us that we have not yet fathomed, and healing on many levels can that biochemical pathways and reactions are governing, and governed by, shifts in of grief and healing